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My Very Own Revelation
*** Please note ***
That before you read this - you should know that this means a great deal to me. It came from the pit of my heart, where
no one really takes the time to go. And just for "mood" settings - I cried during the whole writing of this. I
imagine that I will suffer great puffiness in the morning for the cause of realizing something really important about myself.
And I believe it's only fair to me, that everyone should have the opportunity to know this information about me. It took
a great deal of depression and pity for me to get to this point. And please know - it is not "conceit" it is self-acceptance,
and there is a WORLD of difference in the two. Now - on with it!
As I sit here crying, I'm thinking of so many things. Things no one really knows I think about. Things I personally
feel that people don't notice. And if they do notice they don't let me know that. They don't realize or see the "deepness"
and the beauty of all things meaningful in my life. Things I even sometimes forget to see myself. And when I do see them,
I weep. I weep because I am reminded how wonderful, beautiful, meaningful, precious & oh so important & necessary
they are in my life. That without them - what? who? or where would I be? Or without me - what? who? and where would they
be?
So instead of crying & waiting for someone to appreciate me, for that "pat on the back", that little message
from someone that really cares, that really loves me - that would make me happy for an eternity, I've realized - I don't need
you . Thank you anyway - but all this time waiting and hoping, I've finally realized it was only ME who I needed to see
it. Only ME who had to say it. So now I'm ready to say it.
I love my life - flaws and all. Without the flaws I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be "real". My life & all
it's existence - wouldn't be MINE if it weren't JUST the way it is.
I'm so very blessed. Underneath not always having the money to pay for bills, buy oil for heat, go shopping for fun -
EVER, buy gifts for other people even family........ underneath that mess in my house that I'm often too lazy to clean, underneath
my "insecurities" some I even enjoy like.... sleeping in and staying up late, being late for anything and everything,
getting fired from a job more than once that's me. And I love every part of me.
Having a guy get me pregnant at a young age - so careless we were. Most would say and HAVE said - "What were you
thinking?" But how BLESSED was I??? To get pregnant at a young age, to go through that "wretchedly" amazing
experience. And pull through it so wonderfully, so strongly. To be able to look my "experience" in the eyes everyday
and be so very proud to say - "That's MY son!" "That is MY blessing!".
Married or not - I made that unspoken commitment to Eric the day I met him. And look - eight years later. How lucky
am I? I am one of the "lucky" one's. My guy stayed. My guy loves me. "My guy" is part of what makes
me who I am. And how lucky am I? He's the best daddy for my - for "our" little blessing. Who else would love
me the way he does?
And this bright-eyed, feisty little boy. This kindergartner who has such a personality. Who has no friends, no siblings
and yet shares better than any kid I've seen. He "loves" like no kid I've seen. He "helps" like no kid
I've seen. I take one look at him - and even on my worst day, my most "man i hate this miserable world" kind of
day - and I see everything I ever needed to know - right there in this little five year old boy. Not just any five year old
boy - MY five year old.
And for so long - I've waited, yearned, cried myself to sleep waiting for someone to just say to me "Well done!"
because they saw it too. Instead of "nit-picking" the meaningless, minuscule, petty things that somehow always
seem to find a way to rise to the surface of our whole existence as a human being - and take over. How DO they DO that???
And all "that" just to realize - how simple!? I didn't really need all of you, or any of you.
As much as I wanted it from my mom, my dad, my sister, my friends and what I would do to see it in my mother's eyes and
just know - she was proud of me. Not because she "has to be" by default, not because she "is" because
yea she thinks I'm doing "OK". But to just see it in her eyes and just know. I realized now - I don't need it
from you! How selfish of me anyway.
And there are things I hate. Like why my son has to suffer and not be "loved" the way he deserves. It makes
me cry that not too many people take the time to see the greatness in such a small child. That because of that - it brings
out the worst in him. You ever notice that if you give a child the littlest bit of attention and make them feel like the
most important person in the world - just because you took the time to smile at them? Imagine how much more "loving"
as a person that child will grow up to be. Now take the exact opposite - say you ignored that same child, gave him/her a
nastier look, imagine the message you just sent out to that child. The hatred you instilled because you couldn't smile, or
let them feel "comfortable" in your presence. You've basically just told that child - "you don't deserve to
be loved by me". Now imagine that child's life. They just want to be important to somebody, they just want to "exist"
, they just want to be loved.
I pray my son turns out to be at least HALF of what I am today. I am a wonderful person. I am the best mother anyone
could have given my son. I am the greatest girlfriend or "wife to be" or someday "wife", companion, friend.
And I love myself for every bit of who I am. And I am proud of me. And although people try and sometimes come close to
succeeding - they can not take that away from me.
I am......... I am me.
- Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.
King Henry V Act ll Sc. 4
William Shakespeare
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...And So I Was Thinking... (wednesday July 18th, 2003, 10:18 p.m.)
I just got done watching the ten-o-clock news.... I now remember why I hate to watch the news and now I have something
to say about it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!
>:[
Yes YOU!
All of you! Have you NO HUMANITY!? Do you have thaaaat much hatred instilled within you - that you feel you can "play"
God??? That you can take it into your own hands to beat, murder or torture someone?! Not just any "someone" -
innocent people..... CHILDREN!!
My heart aches and my eyes cry tears of sorrow and shame because I see what this world is doing.
We kill our own people. WHY??? We have terrorists already doing that! Isn't that bad enough???
I am appalled and utterly disgusted that we as HUMAN BEINGS act in such demented and selfish ways.
And... come to think of it..... I don't see any heart... Where is the love??? Where IS the love?!?
We have enough suffering, racism, political fighting (war) and the unmentionables! That I don't understand how our children's'
generation and all generations to follow will last... Or better yet, learn how to appreciate life and all things brought
into it. Despite the differences.
It's one thing to be religious and "practice your faith." It's another to be brainwashed and play "follow
the leader" because that is exactly what you're doing. Playing a vicious game. Trying to repeat the history that was
buried so deep down PURPOSELY - just to allow people that have ACTUALLY GONE THROUGH it in the very FLESH - some time to heal
and put it PAST them.
Only to find that some thickheaded, delusional & naive person who seems to think that they're invincible and can re-create
that pitiful occurrence, whatever it may be...
Just look at your wretched demeanor! Look yourself straight in the face, straight into the mirror - long enough to see
what it is everyone else sees of you. Your scummy exterior - and then - when you thought you couldn't stand the sight of
your own miserable face any longer - LOOK AGAIN! Deeper - until you find that loving child that first stepped foot onto this
amazing Earth. And learn to embrace it. Learn how to embrace that amazing lovable side of your true self. Even if you have
no one else to help you, hold you, show you love... Show the world you can love.
It is much more effortless and insensible to show hatred and anger than it is to show love. You would be more of a fighter
a HERO if you learned how to spread love. Just think of all the many different ways of doing so. And.........
LEARN TO GET ALONG! Or you just might miss out on the beauty of diversity along your journey through life.......
AMEN & PEACE TO YOU ALL!
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